Published in Contemporary Jo Literary Magazine Issue Vl (can be purchased through amazon or online site, contemporaryjo.com/shop)
Content Warning: Young love, Body Image, Suicidal Ideation
Diffidence Lurking Is a beauty in the darkness Beneath closed eyelids— Past midnight we spoke Through tangled legs and finger strokes. So much heartbeat, the two of us Could conjure life from Soundless nights. I started to believe in self-love After becoming familiar with My reflection in the mirror Behind your father's bed; You and your SoundCloud, Your bobbing head to beats On the keyboard bench In my left peripheral; I wore just a meek smile Under your pillows and blankets, Tapped my feet to rhythms Against your dog's napping fur, That's how I liked myself best. Your cruise from hip bone to vulva Is one soothing way To conceal a ghost, A being of diffidence just as human As my own, In the shadow of my shape To taunt me. It's when I lose you To sweeter silhouettes I'll fall conscious of the calories Between my skin and my bones. I lose my mind With its aversion To my skeleton When you touch me like I'm someone you can love. Each person's fingerprint is different And nobody else Will have your trace. Yours is the only intimacy That will ever let me forget myself. Once I lose you, I lose the piece of me that's beautiful, Too.
Fatal Embrace If you'd take me Into you—there, Where I once soundly Dreamt, if you'd Take me there And squeeze. Squeeze my body Like we're back in Middle school, like I Just mentioned I like tight hugs best; Best when they Can leave a wound. Squeeze like You're still wearing a love That hurts; the kind That requires you To give some back to me. Squeeze. Even if it's the last time You do, But if it is— And if you know it is— Don't start with the clichés, The you're so beautifuls, Your chest To my heart Like it means something that way; Don't hit me with The poignant lines, The thanks for everythings and I'll always remembers, Which I'll hide from Behind the innocence of Bliss, and pretend— For both Your sake and mine— That you're just a romantic Relished in sudden gratitude But I'll know, Know like your sushi order From that restaurant up the avenue And the lyrics of that song We fell asleep to in Jersey That you're just a pre-ex, A post-boyfriend, A product of The in-between, of Falling in love and falling out of it, Of embryonic souls fighting The comfortable, Finding the novel Elsewhere— Just squeeze harder. Squeeze til our skins Meet the friction Of two young lovers Leaving high school, But it Being deeper Than that. Squeeze til my bones are dust And gone Is the pressure from My end— I can fully submit; Fit into all your peaks And crevasses, All the pieces of you That puzzled me; You can carry the weight Of me And it doesn't have To hurt— You have me Shattered Anyway. Keep squeezing Until All that's left of me Is the blood I've left On you. A squeeze reminiscent Of 2am last February; To remind me You're doing this Because You love me. Squeeze, Just squeeze Until there's only you And your own two hands And the mournful Allure of Release. Squeeze Til you're No longer burdened By the liberating chill Of relief.
Thoughts After You've Left Me With Myself Your lacking touch Is affecting how I feel About my skin; I've fallen out of love with it As you have. But I'm looking— Anything left of you To relish myself in. I don't comprehend it; How you could Forswear me here With an absent piece of you In everything I've got. See, my phone still Wakes me, But it's an alarm and Not your ringtone, and I still buy bras at Victoria's Secret But your scope of sexy Is no longer my optic, And man, I fall asleep anyway, I just can't tell you goodnight. If you didn't show me The unwitting perks Of always looking up; If only I didn't admire you So damn much. Maybe then I'd be released From the inapt hope I'm stranded here with (Arms open, I know you're Coming back) Maybe then I'd be forced To see The best of me Without you. My God, How much easier it'd be To undertake the sole task Of loving myself If I'd never been loved By something So damn beautiful.
Thaw Quilted by the frost Of moving on, You're calm Like those sweet First flurries of snow Before the downpour; But my sight Is marred By my own blizzards—To me you are An ice sculpture, An opus I can admire, but Can't touch, can't hug, Can't warm with my inbred need To bring you back To the right body temp, To safety; You're there Over a landscape of white blanket, Of storms, of snow I can pack and pound with my Unprotected, my wincing, Frostbit hand and throw, Throw your way, And if it hit you, it wouldn't hurt, You're already ice And I'm only human Wishing I was weightless, wishing I Could carry myself across the Waters you're pillared on Without falling through, Sliced at the ankle and Reaching— You above me, you motionless, You watching me drown in your own Fantastic and dangerous element. They say don't fight fire with fire but What about snow with ice, Cause maybe, maybe I'll aim it Right at your heart, maybe it doesn't have To hurt to shatter you a bit, Maybe you'll conclude You aren't gaining With each that I miss, and maybe By the end of the match I'll ask you to sit inside By the fireplace and maybe you will, Maybe you will and you'll be Waiting for me there with udon soup and A japanese horror flick, and it'll be like The pond defrosted, like it's spring coming, Like I really did give back Your warmth, Like the crest of the wave travels Without ever crashing to shore, Like we're floating on it, again, and We'll melt back into each other, Quilted by the sun of A pathetic, Of a fairy tale Forgiveness.
